Thursday, May 6, 2010

Just 'cuz - and oh boy is it a jumbled mess!

A friend of mine asked me at lunch on Thursday if I was sad. Before I could answer she then asked if I was just "thinking." I jumped on that option and said "just thinking" and left it at that.

But you know what? I am sad. I'd like to say that I don't know the reason for my sadness, but I do. Actually, I should say reasonS for my sadness.

I am basically a lazy person. Yes, I get up nearly every day and go to work, but that's out of necessity. If someone said to me "stay home", I would. Well, at least until the money ran out and we were living on the streets. LOL I do not like to exercise - let me correct that - I HATE exercising. I would rather sit and read a good book, or noodle around on the internet. I've said before and I'll say it again - I'm a TV addict. I wish it wasn't so - kind of - but I also like watching things that take my mind off of my own thoughts and feelings.

I'm sad that I don't like to exercise because I know that exercise supposedly makes you feel better and also gets you fit (naturally), but I just don't even want to. I'm sad that I can talk in my head all I want that I want to lose weight, I want to be healthy, I want to be thinner...but, apparently I'm not willing to do the work to get it. I want to wake up and have the mindset of someone that hasn't the psychological issues I have. I want to be "normal."

A friend of mine has a daughter who is not as healthy and trim as she would like. Her other daughter is a bean pole, but not the other one. I told her that under no circumstances should she say the following phrases to her child:

"Don't worry, I'll tell you when you are too heavy."
"You aren't fat, you are pleasingly plump."
"I'm going to call you Crisco - you know, fat in the can."
"You have good understanding - you know, sturdy legs."

I heard one or more of those phrases pretty much on a daily basis while growing up. I can certainly sympathize with my friend that she's worried about her daughter. She loves her and wants her to be healthy and have a healthy relationship with food. I told her the best to do is just keep minimal 'good' snacks in the junk food...but don't ban them all together because that's not showing her how to handle the life choices that come to pass as we get older.

Bottom line - you cut down on what you eat, eat healthier things and exercise and you will lose weight and end up fit and trim. What is so difficult about this equation? Why can't I wrap my mind around that and just do it? Food has always been a comfort to me. I had a relatively good shape until my father died and then I got pregnant two months later. Since I wasn't with the "father" aka sperm donor. I wasn't working and sat at home and ate because I was sad, because I was mad, because I thought my Dad would've been mad at me and because I was living with my mother, again, even though shortly before my father died, they had separated - life was good for those 7 weeks. My Dad left us a note a couple weeks into his separated life (before he headed in to work) and wrote "today is the first day of the rest of my life"...I see or hear that phrase and it instantly takes me back to that time. I think of what my Dad never got to do, got to see, got to meet. A part of me is relieved that he didn't have to go through the pain and aggravation of every day life, but boy, do I miss that man.

I would love for him to have met my kids...especially my oldest. He is SOOO much like him. I'd like to think that he is "looking down on us" and he's "seen my kids" but I don't think that is something I believe in any more. I used to and maybe if Dad had been around, I'd still believe.

I've been working since I was 14. I'm now 45. 34 years. In the grand scheme of things and when compared with other people, that is not a long time. But, to me, it's a long time. From 1985 until 1995 I was a single mother and had to work if I wanted to get anywhere in life. I've been at my job now for more than 21 years. I love my boss, he's easy to get along with and he's smart as anything - and his office is in another state. It's easy to have a great relationship with a boss who is a 2 1/2 hour drive away. I do, however, think that we would get along fine if I were in his office or vice versa. I would love to not have to work. Not like "oh, take a week off" type of thing, but just knowing that there is nothing I need to get up at 4 a.m. for and hurry out the door to get to work for 6 a.m. I've often said that if I took 2 weeks off in a row, I think I'd end up quitting because that is just too long a time to get used to not getting up and leaving the house. But, my mind knows that I have to work because otherwise we'd be in the poor house. But that doesn't stop me from looking at condo's in Myrtle Beach or down in FL - even if they are like 500 square feet. I don't care. It would mean that I could relax, for the first time in 34 years.

I keep a lot to myself. Someone will ask me how I am doing and I say that I am fine. Do you know why I say I'm fine? So I don't have to listen to "helpful" advice on how to make myself feel better. My brain is not wired that way. I have an extremely cheerful, fun personality on the outside...what is on the inside is a different story. I have thoughts in my head that I can't say because they would hurt someone or they would get someone angry - not anyone in particular, but just someone. So, it stays inside. I go to a shrink...he says "how are things?" You know what I say "things are fine." I am on two types of psych medication to help me not go in to the depths of despair and doing the work that I do, I see some people on disability who take way less psych drugs than I do! How can that be, I ask myself? I just want to say to them, 'buck up asshole, get to work because if I can do it with my highest dosage of medications available, so can you.' Yet some people abuse the system that way. They "think" they are disabled. They are not. Oh sure there are some legitimate people with legitimate issues and maybe I have become cynical over time, but it just galls me the way people take advantage of the "system." What makes me even sadder is that I asked my shrink if he ever saw me not having to take medicine since I had read about people that stopped taking it and did fine. He said no that he does not see me not taking medication to help me get through the day. That made me sad.

And before my husband reads this and starts to assume things...this is not about him...he has 2 fake hips and a fake knee and he does more for this house than anyone I know. He can't do things he'd like to do, but he does the best he can and I do love him for trying to do everything!

so, after just this rambling crap above, the bottom line is that I am sad. I am fat. I hate to be fat. Apparently I hate to exercise or diet more than I hate to be fat. I wonder if the kids or Joe are embarrassed because I am fat. I know I am. I want to wake up with someone else's willpower - why can't I?

Just random thoughts over the course of a couple of days...bottom line = I don't like myself.


Ravyn said...

P.S. Whoever said you can't love others until you love yourself doesn't know what they are talking about. I have plenty of love for my family and friends but none for myself!

Wings said...

I wish so much for you.

I wish you could see yourself for the great, caring, fun, beautiful person you are, who is loved by me and so many others.

Do you remember the Glee episode the other day (yeah, I am referencing tv)? The one with Mercedes and her struggle with trying to lose just a few pounds? I wish we could all think like she said. We are all different, we should just accept who and what we are and be happy.

I know you don't want advice and such... but I just want you to be happy, for us to be happy.

I love YOU.

Mercedes - Beautiful

JeffScape said...

Everyone hates exercise... but it's one of those things that, once you force yourself to start doing it, your body starts craving.

Kinda like smoking! Hehehe.

Cheer up. TV is not the bad guy. ;)

Ravyn said...

Yeah...was just venting...maybe I'll take up smoking...haha